SPOTUS (Sexual Predator of the United States) Trump expertly advises “grab ‘em by the pussy!”
His supporters say no harm, no foul!?!? Dead Wrong!
Thousands of victims of sexual assault are dying to prove it.
Sexual molestation on any level is criminal.
Damage to victims is complete.
The summer day I remember was scorching hot like only Kennewick in southeastern Washington state can be, 100 degrees in the shade a true Pacific Northwest sort of day peak of summer.
If it's possible, I learned to swim that summer by fire. Save myself or die.
I was a little girl, maybe 6 or 7, one of 6 kids in my catholic Italian American family growing up in the late 1960's and 1970's. My brothers and sisters and I were all born one or two years apart to teenage parents who themselves were uneducated, abused and neglected as children before they started pumping out more babies according to their beliefs in the swell catholic plan of no birth control, no matter what. Babies having babies, not so great for any babies involved.
Fuzzy details of the group of kids from the neighborhood going to the public pool that day all tossed into the loaded 60's station wagon with no seat belts and too many sweaty bodies, no air conditioning and only the chance of diving into an ice cold pool our only break from the summer heat made the car ride semi-tolerable.
I loved the water I but didn’t know how to swim yet. Standing on the hot cement on the side of the pool, one foot up, too hot, one foot down, too hot – gotta jump soon but I was afraid, unskilled, no one to help me and I had lost sight of my group of people and friends.
In the middle of the pool between the shallow end and the deep end, before you get to the rope that divides the two, someone was waving at me, beckoning me to jump. I recognized one of the older boys who had ridden with us in the car earlier and I still cant remember who he was, so traumatized am I to this day. Even after 7 years of psychoanalysis, the very best New York has to offer a middle age woman, when I imagine the moment when I could clearly see his face and could verify his identity, my brain draws a blank. I remember most of everything else.
Excited to swim and cool off, forced from the pool ledge by hot cement burning my feet and craving that sweet cold water, I jumped as far as my little 7 year old legs could carry me as this new smiling friend, this older neighbor boy(?) who, waving and yelling promised he would catch me. I jumped.
There were no open arms.
I went under water so fast I hit the bottom of the pool and was allowed by this stranger to sink. Flailing and terrified I looked up through the water and the blue sky above unbelieving as the smiling, snarling look on my savior's face said, "I am doing this on purpose". What seemed liked an eternity later and after he made sure I was near drowning - he "saved" me.
As he pulled me up and toward him I was coughing choking and scared to death, he waded out into the deep end of the pool and jammed his fingers, his hand inside my vagina as hard as he could and didn’t stop. Pain tore through my little body like I had been ripped in two pieces right down the middle as icey water went inside me with his hand. Drowning with water in my nose, my eyes, I couldn’t see - but I could smell the stench of chlorine even in my child’s mind a promise of a certain death. I didn’t know what happened until years later, because I was too young to understand that I had an opening between my legs other than what was needed to pee. Confused and fighting for my life, kicking and clawing my way weightless in water and falling against slippery skin I couldn’t grab hold of anything.
Reflexes took over as did my need to live, survive and get away from this monster who wouldn’t stop hurting me as long as he kept holding onto me. He repeatedly dunked me under water to quiet my escape attempts. Rage, early and sweet coursed through my veins as I scratched, grabbed, and screamed in between mouthfuls of water, choking and fighting I was introduced to the venom of boys who grew into venomous men. Maybe luck was on my side that day as my feet made contact with his chest and I broke free flailing myself to the edge, gulping water and crying, sobbing afraid he would grab me again and pull me back out into the bottomless abyss. I had no more strength to fight again. Shaking and trembling I scrambled into the cold dark locker room, shocked, terrified with no one to help me, and no idea what to do next. I waited and waited, the hours seemed like days.
To write this down for the very first time after literally being haunted by it for 50 years, my heart rate has increased, my palms are sweating, I feel nervous and scared even though I am perfectly safe from harm. That physical reaction from sexual assault which caused great psychological injury describes PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress – I have been battling it alone my whole life. I can be snapped right back to the moment of abuse, in a heartbeat when something reminds me of it; a flash of light reflecting off waves, the sinking feeling when I jump in a pool. PTSD is associated with many more groups than just veterans of war, it applies to anyone who has experienced traumatic events, sexual molestation, sexual assault, whatever you want to call it, and is called a disorder for a reason when observing the lasting damage it causes in the victim from life-altering trauma. When I find myself firmly planted in a PTSD episode, rational thought eventually returns but not always, leaving me in a space unable to cope with the world around me in my immediate vicinity and I am overwhelmed with the feeling of wanting to bolt: this is part of my social disorder. Damage done.
For me during the awful moments of a PTSD ‘memory attack’, my attempts to carry on with the job at hand, my work, my career in the moment is stopped dead in its tracks and I cant get back to that mind space of concentration, experience physical reactions, start to shake and feel anxiety like I’m being chased down for the kill. All of which I know, rationally are irrational thoughts. For me those are symptoms from PTSD. Its really fucked up and it makes me angry that I cant cope with what’s right in front of me, because I cant get that other bad shit out of my head. Or can I?
Because I’ve had so much sexual assault trauma in my life, this story is the very first one I can recall. So two months ago when I joined the ‘Me Too’ movement of women on fb who have been sexually assaulted and are publicly announcing their perpetrators and telling their stories, I knew I had to start somewhere. So like Vincini says via a lost and searching Inigo Montoya in Princess Bride, “go back to the beginning; and so I have”. I have joined the thousands of other women I hear on the news every night, naming the names of sexual offenders in their lives. And this proclamation of mine has taken constant authorship focus (like when I’m being the fine artist I am and paint photo-realism) over two months to complete as I realize it could be the most important string of paragraphs I ever write. I am doing the very best I can to bring the facts to light and birth myself a new life at the same time, in real time in front of a live fb audience – at 55. Damn I wish I would have had the chance earlier…none the less -
I have carried this pain for so long that to not drop it now when Hollywood has taken Weinstein down, Lauer, Franken, Cosby, Spacey and how many more, and with victims speaking up loud and clear; with the strength of the populace behind me, if I don’t say my truth now, I’ll go down with the ship.
I never thought I’d get the chance to pull my story together, I’ve been recording it in writing for 40 years and only now compiling it, saving, editing, telling it like it is. I gain my courage each day to keep going, keep writing through the bravery of other targets of sexual assault, victims who continue to stand up and admit their truth in public. I am finding the courage and making the time like it’s the last thing I will ever do. I fear for my life when I name the names of perpetrators, starting with my family of origin. I want to think my life was worth something so through my writing and paintings, if I help other victims, I am also helping myself to heal. My risk is that I stay alive long enough to finish my artwork and Manuscript for my books, finish drawing a comic strip about this mess, this web we weave – trying to find the humor in it if possible and provide a path of redemption for all parties.
After I make public, that which I was warned to remain silent about, 10 years ago, I do not know what will happen next, but because I was brave enough to confront those accused (even though I lost my shit becoming enraged during the phone call) I have been paying the price ever since. The treatment I have received from my immediate family members is shameful and would have killed a lesser person. So the silver lining in it for me is that somehow I lived through it, that which does not kill me makes me stronger. I am pisces, I know how to swim. I was taught by my childhood friend, Mary, who we knew as innocent girls and young ladies both of us were carrying the open secret of catholic teacher sexual abuse within our high school in Billings, MT. We became athletes because we knew we had to be quicker, faster, stronger better more than boys, men – if we wanted to survive.
By determination I would not allow my swimming pool sexual offender to make me afraid of water for the rest of my life, so Mary and I became the best of swimmers. As a pisces (two fish intertwined) I’ve learned to be a great swimmer through the torrent of life and have grown strong in my fight against predator men which makes me sad wishing I could have known men as the feminine, beautiful, sexy creature I am and having a great guy by my side who loved and protected me. Instead I learned to become a boy, a man, to be like them, act like them, deny everything about being female. I learned to survive on land and in the water but having recently crawled out of the ‘don’t talk, don’t tell’ surf barely alive but hungry to tell my story, I am victorious for having lived through it but feel very tired now that I am reaching the “time to post publicly on fb moment”. I dare say I know not what I do. Its with fingers crossed I continue.
I am feeling the fear and doing it anyway because every day I do that, I become healthier and more detached from the incidents easing the painful emotions away. The more I write and stick with this project every day, the more free I become. It’s as though the stories are no longer a part of me, they are magically outside of my body now and I feel strange, like I’ve just kicked a really bad habit. I’m out of my comfort zone however, which is really scary for most people, but a place I’ve learned to be in most of the time, after all, I am artist.
I am she who is stepping out of painful dependence on painful memories by using the analogy of quitting smoking (deadly cigarettes) or stopping heroin, I must have an idea, a glimmer of what do I do now, with the new improved me? How do I fill my life with good feelings after I have grown so accustomed to feeling bad?
It’s more than doable, simple and easy really – with the help of Cannabinoids found within the Cannabis plant, a female plant which strengthens us all.
So, everyone back to the pool! Even though nearly 50 years have passed since that super hot sizzling day poolside in Kennewick, the torment of it no longer resides in my being, now that I've written it down and plan on posting it on fb today, it still scares the crap out of me, but onward…every day I write of each sexual assault episode in my life, I get lighter and become free for the first time in my life. Its really kinda weird! But its working so I’m going with it.
Its true – the truth shall set you free.
You, fb audience and online crowd of Cathi supporters are experiencing my artist’s life as it plays out, day by day. Many of you crave to be an artist, what’s it like, you say? Its like this - I never know what the hell is going to happen day by day as creative production herds me through it without the choice to do anything else. Its kinda like jumping into a water slide tube at a water park two stories up, you cant go back up – you have to ride the ride and execute a soft landing to live another day and do it all over again.
Here is the crux of it though, this is what’s so important in light of victims coming forward now after a lifetime of silence:
The thing I remember most when the molesting teenage boy tried to drown little 7 year old me, is not only what he physically and mentally did to me that day at the pool but this:
…. no one did anything at all when they found out about it – especially not my mother. Not my father, not the family of the offending teenager, no one. As a middle-age woman, I am still too traumatized to see his face, see who it was but I clearly learned the lesson that day in what everyone else didn’t do.
After he attacked me I waited for hours freezing dripping wet, no towel inside the dark public locker room, there were no cell phones in 1969, there were no public phones accessible to a 7 year old child. I knew I had to stay away from the molester, I was scared to death, shaking, bleeding, terrified, crying, alone until we were picked up in the station wagon again bound for home. I told my mother immediately as soon as she picked us up at the end of that terrible afternoon before we got back in the car. The rift cracked open and widened that day between my mother and I, and she doesn’t even know to this day, happy in her ignorance of the truth she knows, when she did nothing.
The molester who had "grabbed me by the pussy" – got in the car with us.
He sat across from me in the car on the way home, smirking and laughing at my helpless little girl pain and useless outrage, knowing he would get away with it because he watched me tell my mother and was vindicated to molest again, as she did nothing right in front of us.
How horrible it felt when I realized that no one would do anything about it, ever. Everyone went on with business as usual, there was no one to tell: not my older brothers who weren't there that day, not my father after he found out about it later that night. I walked about the land of adults astounded, insulted, appalled and ignored as though the event never happened. The most unkindest cut of all however, was soon to follow as I found out they too would become perpetrators of incest against my little sister and I, in our family (my father Tom Locati Sr – deceased, Walla Walla, Wa and Billings, MT) and my two older brothers Tom Locati Jr. Owner, Russ Lyon/Sothebys International Realty, Scottsdale, AZ (and previously Butte and Billings, MT) and Jerry Locati, Owner, Locati Architects, Bozeman, MT (previously Billings, MT) were already headed in that direction in the days and years ahead unbeknownst to me, the first little girl born into a patriarchal family of uneducated, immigrant Italian entitled males.
SPOTUS Trump (Sexual Predator of the US) and those who support him saying this is not sexual assault – you couldn’t be more wrong and any less accountable as the accomplices you are in your judgement of us, the targeted victims.
It is clear, damage is done! Is this your plan Trumpites - to make America great again by condoning sexual violence against children? This is ok with you? Who do you molest with a clear conscience?
Through all of this, I keep the positive possibilities open to forgiveness and healing, asking predators be held accountable once their actions have been found out in public. I want to hear them say they’re sorry and sit down together to make amends, lets make this right and move on like the solid family I know we can be when females are considered equal. I look for the silver lining in the telling of my memories because having been sexually assaulted so often in my life starting so early, it is who I have become, it’s the brick and mortar that built me so if there can be an upside it is this:
Because I live in Washington state, a legal state for Cannabis, I not only make the claim, but through living example, I live the truth that Medical Cannabis fuels me, Hemp heals me which allows me to tell my story. With Medical Cannabis healing me, calming my anxiety and giving me strength over the past year in 2017 and without the use of a single pharmaceutical or opioid, I feel physically able and mentally stable to continue writing and possess the bravery required for the public posting of it.
Medical Cannabidiol releases the sexual assault shame in me that has kept me quiet and afraid for so long. Today, I make the right choice to save my own life, battling to get out of the pool using my little girl super strength, now old woman super strength fueled daily with medical Cannabis – life giver that it is.
Physical reaction to sexual assault stays with the target (victim) forever, its why so many reach for the cocktail after work, the bottle of wine, the hard drugs like heroin, cocaine and meth. Its why hundreds of thousands take opioids like Vicodin, Hydrocodone, Oxycontin, Valium. At the end of the day, we all are Humans seeking the end of pain desperate for feelings of pleasure. As human beings we just want our bodies and minds to feel good if just for a little while.
Most victims of sexual assault use their minds to shut off the memories temporarily because to recall it is to remember it, is to relive it is to shine light on an action that never should have happened in the first place and that never goes away for the victim….ever. After awhile, sexual assault episode after episode, the little girl (boy) comes to believe this is normal, acceptable, functioning behavior for boys and men and we learn to react out of self defense, responding accordingly to save our own lives, which is usually with terrified silence, masculine false bravado behavior in women, nervous energy, inability to get close to anyone, racing thoughts, solo living, depression, suicide, addiction, homelessness. For the pain, we reach for man-made killer drugs and die from overdose and addiction - 250,000 deaths every year. Cannabis Hemp is a plant, not a drug and DOES NOT BELONG ON THIS LIST. The DEA (which was made up in the 70’s by criminal president Nixon) incorrectly, criminally has it FALSELY scheduled, blatantly lying about having zero medicinal benefits when we know the opposite is true.
The American government is lying to our faces! Peer-reviewed scientific fact tells us Cannabis Hemp is the leading medicine across the planet – look it up online. Cannabis info is available to anyone willing to learn. We’ve been lied to for 40 years. (www.norml.com)
Patent # 6630507 clearly defines the medicinal value of Cannabis. The DEA bought the patent in 1998 and stole it away from the public (while teaching the opposite of its benefits and scaring the crap out of the public – FALSELY) so that GW Pharmaceuticals could copy, patent and profit from it. This story is fact.
Now that I have legally found my daily dose of Cannabis I’m no longer overcome by anxiety, fear, depression, rage by default, racing thoughts, out of control suicidal tendencies caused by sexual assault and other disasters and fucked up catastrophes life has thrown my way. It is what is. I am calm and protected by Cannabinoids that massage my bruised heart and brain.
It has been a year and a half since I moved to Washington state March 2016 and through conscious choice, I turned my life over to Medical Cannabis ONLY; going cold turkey off of every pharmaceutical pain killer, muscle relaxer, aspirin, Acetometophin, ibuprofen, psychotropic anti-depressant, opioid. Personally, I don’t like alcohol but if I did, I would have mixed that into finding my pain relief like millions of Americans do every day and die for the priviledge. Conventional doctors can only prescribe pill after pill to help numb some sexual assault memories and some of the physical pain from compounded massive injuries
But that FDA approved chemical cocktail was killing me.
Cannabis saved me. . See Oct 2017 NW Leaf Magazine, Wa: https://issuu.com/nwleaf/docs/northwestleafoct2017
One full year of Medical Cannabis, full time from Jan to Dec 2017and I am a completely different person, at peace, finally and I use it every day 24/7. There is no such thing as addiction to Cannabis – this we know on scientific terms since it is a base nutrient our brains and bodies cry out for. The nation is currently experiencing the epidemic of 40 years of Cannabinoid deficiency. No one has ever died from Cannabis and no one ever will. It would take a mountain of bud flower smoked all at once for that to happen, a mountain the size of Everest. Get the picture now?
The most amazing female plant on the planet: Cannabis, delivers the remedy to memories best forgotten. It grows free for our consumption as the weed it is and was meant from the very dawn of time to be the most integral ingredient we put in our bodies, dogs and cats included. It is natural, non-addictive and necessary for the perfect balance of homeostasis regulated by every mammal's endocannabinoid system. Medicinal Cannabidiol (CBD) along with a smaller quantity of THC ignites the beautiful Entourage Effect, which works wonders to calm PTSD caused by a variety of trauma, this example being sexual assault by a teenage boy on a little girl in a swimming pool.
I cant learn enough about fascinating Cannabis Hemp so I earned my Medical Cannabis Consultant Certification in Oct 2016 from the Medical Marijuana Institute of Seattle taught by a Medical Doctor and an attorney. I invested my time and hard earned dollars, attended the classes, sailed through the tests and can say it is fun being a Cannabis scientist.
I am a solid, sane, functioning, relaxed middle-age woman who is happy and producing work to the best of my 20% ability. I will always have chronic pain every day from irreparable injuries physical and mental, being 80% disabled through a crippling injury at 15 years old and 5 not at fault car collisions over the past 20 years, broken neck, fractured spine, obliterated knee.
I absolutely love my career and run my own NY based C Corp small business as CEO, Areonip Architect of Final Mile Ink Medical, internationally renowned fine artist and artrepreneur. I use my art talent and business skill in bringing breast cancer survivors back to life with Medical Pigmentation. Its literally all I can do these days and I am the best in my industry but I only have 20% output capacity when to survive above the poverty line, I must fulfill the income demands of a two person income household in Seattle which barely covers a single person’s cost of living. I’m doing absolutely all I can, plus some. It hurts to be me every day on some level, but finding my perfect daily dose of CBD THC, works and keeps me on the planet, functioning and contributing normally.
So, my fb, blog and online friends to whom I've told this story in person over the past few weeks they ask me what do I want from the telling of it? I want the truth of sexual assault to be known and felt - like the way we victims feel it all the time, not just to hear the extended list of offenders and how they’re going to rehab – really? What about the victims? I want offenders (and those who are not) to feel the damage it does to the victimized target - how horrible it is and how the memories are completely etched in stone in our minds and psyches.
It is time for predators to be held accountable by public disclosure - no more open secrets carried by the victim.
I am posting it on fb, my blog and online for my own protection, that’s why I am going public with it, to protect myself from any 'accident' that might happen – if I disappear or wind up dead from something unexplainable, its not – just saying. Any Trump supporter who can work, love and play normally because they don’t deal with life-altering memories of sexual assault and don’t know how scary it feels to live under threat if anyone finds out, are narcissistic and blissfully ignorant, (often because they are the perpetrator themselves) and if not, are lucky to be unscathed but glaringly apparent hypocrites in their judgement of me. Like the Emperor’s new clothes, we can all see what is not apparent to them, but soon it will be. Everything is transparent now with the internet of things so I can only hope that the same thing will happen for them, that the truth will set them free. Because until my immediate family and I deal with this, the elephant in the middle of the tiny apartment remains crumbling, unsustainable after decades of denial.
Victims of sexual molestation live daily longing to tell someone, but we never do, because there is no one to tell. So, time after time we learn that no matter what happens, never tell. There will be no one to help. And those you do tell, just might make it worse.
I am beautiful and compassionate, I'm a bitch and a risk-taker, I’m a born creative (ya it’s a thing), savant photo-realism painter, an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person – it’s a thing too). I make lots of mistakes because I’m human, I’m a daughter, mother, aunt and sister. I’m a fighter, strong and able to endure, I’m talented, educated, professional and intelligent (3.9 GPA), a former beauty queen in the Miss USA pageant 1981 (as Miss Montana USA 1981) and I am NOT shit; like my family of origin wants me to believe, even when I feel like it often (PTSD, Depression, Suicidal tendencies). I know now, I am worthy of love and goodness. Can I get sexual molestation memories out of every fiber of my being and pull myself up to claim my right for love? Is too late for me?
With the help of my fb friends, my fb family, my online following, my blog – with people who respect and love me - watching, reading, weighing in, supporting me the way I was never supported as a child, yes I can reclaim my inalienable right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
Its never too late to try.
Look to Yoda.
Thank you for reading. What will you do with the information you've picked up here?
I was taught as a young girl everything that is wrong with sexual assault, was normal. The mindset was I had 'asked for it' by wearing clothes that showed my figure in any way. Any woman with double D breasts knows it is impossible to hide them, no matter what and mine appeared early in 5th grade. The way Republicans felt in my household was that I deserved to be molested, assaulted if I was sexy in any way. They said it was my fault.
They were wrong.
In my family of origin, just showing up female, walking in the room as a girl was grounds enough for abuse of any kind. There were no male boundaries, zero personal male responsibility in curbing personal or sexual needs nor the manner in which it was acquired within my family or within the catholic schools I attended for 12 years. That too is a story all by itself of which I hope to get to in my writing soon.
Throughout my childhood I was beaten into submission by my father and sexually molested by him (he was a sadist and alcoholic who enjoyed a sexually perverted manner of abuse with me). His mental disorder in the form of psychological and tyrannical brainwashing had me convinced I was deserving of the abuse, that I did something to make it happen and that I must be crazy because no one would believe that dear little Johnny poolside or dear daddy would do such a thing. Hating myself early and totally was cemented into my brain and heart. Damage Done.
The way my dad molested me was overlooked by the female parent or caregiver (mom), because society in the 1960’s was just beginning to fight for human rights still in acceptance of condoned violence within the home and catholic schools so much so that it happened as a matter of course. Unfortunately since her father abused her as well in the 1940’s she considered it the normal thing that dad’s do and with her sons - just boys being boys.
I’ve comforted myself a little by recalling the mental disorder called Cognitive Dissonance; if the accomplice or the person who doesn’t stop it, really saw and felt the awful abuse for what it truly is, their brains couldn’t handle the info. and they would lose their minds or something, never stopping the abuse as it occurs. Astonishingly, they "go blind" to the offense as it’s happening although it never happened at all. My mother still lives in this world of denial and is great friends with my brothers, but not with me. In 2008, after I learned what happened from my sister, the whole family hung the scarlet word around my neck: Enemy.
I am not the enemy. I am an equal family member regardless of net worth. I no longer accept Locati men self-righteous ostracizing behavior towards me and my terrific, kind, intelligent adult son and daughter.
I guess that’s the luck of the draw, which family you're born into. My next post speaks of my family experience, as it was from my point of view. Recording to the best of my ability, this particular first Chapter has proven to be the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I’m taking my greatest chance knowing, betting that the love that still exists in my family of origin can be disinfected of the poison imposed on us, the children of a very hurt madman father figure (he was enraged all the time). So too, enraged are my brothers, sister and mother (and me too, before Cannabis).
But, We can fix this.
The writing down of all of this my greatest shame, allows it to disappear like a poof of smoke, giving it back to those who handed it to me in the first place, squelching my rage with it. The Albatross of sexual assault memories dumps off me like slimy grease.
I have a life to live, unburdened. Get out of my way, memories.
My personal goal: to publicly express the details of the rest of the sexual assaults in my life hoping it will somehow get easier, releasing me completely, giving my life back. That’s what I want. And since I know how to create my own reality – artist, author – with Cannabis Hemp which strengthens me, this is my newest body of work including my current artwork of 21 oil paintings in progress visually depicting all of this human shenanigans. The work, my Magnum Opus is called: Medical Areonip meets Cannabis – fractal Mandelbrot.
Sexual molestation isn't about sex, its about the predator lording power over the helpless. Its about the weakness of the offender sucking the very life out of those they harm, walking away satisfied, to molest again. Their crime is to 'forget' - saying that it never happened. The more sexual aggression is condoned, the more men think it is normal and continue it, even in their business dealings, exasperating the issue with women in the work place, who say nothing. And for the duration of my working life, I was one of them too.
Today, I say something. I take my power back and ask one thing: I ask my family to come back to the egalitarian round table, one at a time, with me. As I have for the past 10 years, in many different ways and always blocked, to them - olive branch extended.